Monday, July 15, 2013

Hello My Name is Larry

To the reader, I really don't know what I have here.

I must abide by the rules.
I must abide by the rules.
I must abide these tools.
I am the master of fools.
I must abide by the rules.

June 13 2111

This is just stupid...

Hi, my name is Larry. Larrrry Larrrrrrryyyyyy.

My shrink told me that writing my story would be good for me,
I think it's bullshit but if I want to stay out of jail I must abide. Stupid cops shouldn't have gotten in the way in the first place, we were handling everything just perfectly fine and then they showed up and screwed everything. Wait, I am getting to far ahead of myself. Let me start this again. 

Hello my names Larry, I am 19 years old and I go to Metro City college, oh I'm also a Superhero. 

Before I get into this I have to piss and have a hoot, so I'll be right back. You might have time to grab some popcorn or even maybe some of those chocolate M&M's. I love those... 

Ok I have to go to the store and buy some M&M's and a slurpee, then we can get started. And some rolling papers and maybe dinner. But I promise we will get started

March 13 2112

still think this is stupid...       

Where was I.

May 1 2113

Now I have no choice but to write this stupid thing, like anyone cares about us superheros. 

No, they walk around blind always expecting us to save them. I mean how the fuck do you get yourself kidnapped and then tossed of a 100 story skyscraper? The bastard didn't even thank me, he just sat there bumbling and crying like a baby. Then to top it off I get his shit on my leg. The guy shits himself and gets it all over me. And it's not like these costumes are wash and wear, I have to take this to the dry cleaners, and I'll tell you they are not cheap. What they charge is really blackmail since they are the only ones able and trusted to do the job and who is going to complain, they do a great job with blood stains. If anyone ever found out who our secret identities were then we would be liable for all the damages we cause. 

 July 22 2113


My Name is Larry, and I'm a Superhero.

My parents would say they noticed something strange about me when I was around 8, I thought building a supercomputer at age 5 would have given them a clue. I think to this day they still haven't got one.

Through out school I excelled at everything I did. Broke every record in sports, aced every test. I was also the class clown and a regular at the office. Man I remember when the principal tried to give me the strap, I flipped him over my knee at age 9 and gave him an ass whooping of a lifetime. He retired the end of that year and could never look at me the same again. Just before the end of elementary school I was taken for testing by the government. I spent 2 years being shocked, poked and probed. And at the same time high as a kite on drugs. Probably the reason for my substance addition, but who is blaming.

After I was released from that hell, all kindly brought to you by my parents i might add and at the same time leaving the scientific community stunned and even more confused, I rolled myself into high school. 

Being older had its moments of difficulties, but being able to buy beer at grade 10 sure made me a lots of friends, and the booze got me in a lot of trouble. They would probably tell you that I showed no lack of compassion and was very arrogant, however they were all just jealous. I have it all and they wish to be me.  

I was removed out of every school in Metro because of how much smarter I was than everyone else and only passed because of one teacher who saw my greatness and potential. Mr Brant, one hell of a teacher. It was awhile before he noticed me, I think it was the day that i got mad at my science teacher and tossed my desk through 4 walls and a Volvo parked in the teachers parking lot. 

It was pure coincidence that it was his van I hit, I tried to explained that my aim would have been impossible to achieve, but they didn't believe me. In my defense he called me a genetic mistake, and I made him question his words.

I had a hard time finding a school after high school graduation, most wouldn't even return a reply letter. It wasn't until Metro university took an interest in my abilities. I was promised a full scholarship there, as long as I worked in the genetics department, and also promised to sign a contract stating I would not damage the school. So far so good, I've only had one mishap and it wasn't totally my fault, it also was the day I met Michael, or as I call him silverback.

I was just getting the number from the hot Doctor while showing them my speed and endurance abilities. The department had made a giant hamster wheel or what it looked like to me, I guess they took my lab rat jokes as a basis for scientific study.

I started running while making squeaking noises, that blonde couldn't keep her eyes off of me when I heard a commotion up front. Using my heightened sense of Hearing I heard a voice complaining about a missing body and he wanted it back. I quickly jumped from the wheel, I busted through the door to see a large ape smashing the front desk as the secretary falls backwards on her seat. I quickly moved, jumping for the beast. 

As time slowly moves giving me ample time to notice my surroundings, on top of the apes head is a 59fifty hat, slanted to the left and a pink wife beater, it was also the one doing the yelling. When his eyes saw mine, he jumped at me while at the same time something went in my eye... his fist and he sucker punched me right through the office. When I finally opened my eyes I was 30 feet away from the building and twelve stories below, my left eye was still watering like a motherfucker. 

I ran back as fast I could when I saw the ape at the front of the building being surrounded by campus security. This small hipster wannabe in thick black glasses and corduroy pants was telling it to get on the ground. I knew without my help they would never get this animal off the streets so I pushed the fragile cop out of the way and punched that big dirty ape in the head, taking him down with one punch. I was standing over top of him, making sure he was alright and not brain dead when he threw dirt in my other eye and smashed me in the jaw. {See that is how all those cop cars got destroyed, when he blind sided me, this animal was out of control not me} I was up quick and started nailing it with hit after hit, the sound like thunder hammering through the halls of campus when one of those ungrateful security guards shot us with sleeping darts, I was just about to take him down. 

Chumps I told them when I pulled the needle out my arm. Do you think this is going take me down? The ape roared then laughed. I looked at him and asked what was so funny? It looked at me and said that it can't feel his hands, then he moved them back and forth, talking about tracers. I was stunned, did this ape just talk or was I really high this time. I looked at him again and said what? He laughed and said "Do you even lift bro?"

I woke up in Saint Heidi Klum memorial tied to a bed and thirsty. An officer was beside my bed reading a newspaper with my face on the cover with the headlines "Student destroys genetics lab". You are finally up, he says to me. Now listen to me sleeping beauty and don't forget this. I want no more stunts like what happened yesterday. The college will still keep you under the conditions that you are not sworn to protect it. There are many more capable hands then yours, next time think before you leap. He was getting up when I asked him about the ape. He told me to mind my own business, it would be safer that way. What an ass. I was reminded again about my duty as a civilian, and if i wanted to help people I would get off the drugs and get into law enforcement. Like I was dumb enough to be a cop. They couldn't handle some like me.

When they reopened the lab, and I was back to my old science experiment gig, to my surprise that ape was in the gym at my dorm, this time wearing a Tapout shirt and polo shorts. 

As I was walking over he noticed me and put down the weights. Look bro I don't want to fight ya, just give me my space and we both can get along here he whined at me. 

I'm not your bro, bro I tell him, why don't we just step outside like men and settle this, well one man and a chump chimp. We both step up toe to toe when we both notice three dart guns pointed at us. 

You going to play like gentlemen or do we have to remove you both from here forever? The security guard says. 

No trouble babe I told her as I lift my arms up. Nothing going on here says the ape, he looks at me trying to be all tough, kinda looking like a pussy kitten. Cool out bubbles I say to him, this place is big enough for me, maybe you need to take a walk. Go eat a banana or something. TThan the fucker said "Look stoner, what don't you go wash the patchouli stink off yourself and return you clothes back to the 60's. I'm sure Jimi Hendrix is looking naked without his burial clothes."

I need a puncture proof suit cause man those darts hit you hard. I was out like a light.

 ok fuck this I am out, sirens are singing my nam 

May 11 2113

I awoke leaning against the curb with a note attached to my shirt.

My Larry Boyd
Due to liability and safety reasons we have decided it would be safer for our students and staff that you find a dorm outside of the school. You are still welcome to attend and we will still be needing you in the Genetics department, to help with your scholarship.

Signed Dean R.M. Wilder

Fuckers kicked me out. 

I reach into my coat pocket and pull out a spliff I was saving and gave it a light. Behind me I heard someone grumbling "you shouldn't smoke bro, that stuff will kill you", wait, is that herb? Behind me is the ape rubbing his head. He looks at me googly and asks if I was going to pass that? 

You fucker got me kicked out of my place! 

Did I? He mumbles as he takes a hit, don't remember being to your place or having anything to do with it. 

Look man don't give me any of your jive, and how the fuck can a 400lb monkey talk?

The ape looked at me and started to laugh, jive he says in a close resemblance to Larry's voice. Get up hippie. 

Fuck you shit thrower. 

Look I can help you out for a bit, let you get back on your feet. I have a place not far from here, i might have room for you.

Look man, monkey whatever you are. I don't steer that way, let alone do it with animals.

look he says to me, if you want to stay here on the curb then suit yourself. I give no fucks about you, you can try to help yourself out. As he started walking away I could see the hurt in his eyes, the disappointment of not being near someone so powerful. I jumped up and started walking beside him.
I said Hi my name is Larry, he said his name was Mike.

If you don't mind helping me grab my stuff that would be great? 

How I met Mike.

All you own is a couple boxes and this 6 foot bong? Mike laughs holding an AC/DC flag

Na, man most of my stuff is in storage. The rest got lost when my ex moved her stuff out. 

The ape looks over and sees what it looks like a shitty spray paint job over the words pathetic loser in large print. Sure he says, lets go.

Mike was a street kid who spent his childhood growing up in different cities. The guy was bright but not the sharpest crayon in the box. He read in the Metro daily that scientists were looking for people willing to undergo medical experiments for cash. While looking at the types of experiments he noticed a post for body transplant. Well he told me he only saw the five million they would give him if he survived the experiment  so he signed his body away and didn't think to ask what his body was going to be swapped with. All he was thinking about was all the booty he was going to get with 5 million big ones. When he awoke and noticed his new shell, lets just say he wasn't all that pleased. 

I guess he went on a rampage and damaged most of the downtown core, I don't remember hearing it myself, I just bought the new Halo from playbox. He tells me that he tried to get his body back but the scientist who was leading the surgery had taken it and put his brain inside of it. The funny thing was the guy is Doctor Floyd, the candidate running for the next Presidential race, pictures of his body were on every screen and corner. 

When we pulled up to his house i thought he was joking, the place was a mansion. We walked to the doors and he led me in. The place was built like nothing he had ever seen before. There was rope swings and gymnastic poles sticking out of every wall and hanging from very hallway. He pointed to the left and said, Kitchen is that way and the laundry if you get a chance. Upstairs is your room, it is the one with the white door. In the closet should be some of my old clothes, before the accident that should fit you if you need it. I am going to my gym to work out, if you have any more of that weed, just let me know.

He grabbed the rope and swung away to the next room. I was left looking at a bunch of poles and no stairs. How do I get to my room I screamed? 

You'll figure it out Einstein. 

I tossed my stuff up to the top cliff and jumped at the first pole. I started swinging myself to the second pole, jumping and grabbing the third and with a spin I land on the top of the edge. Right on top of my bong... I lift my feet up and fall backwards hitting the ground with a loud thud. Bang Bang bang comes the wall from the next room, Shut up bro I'm lifting.

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