Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Highways, Music and falling off Track

I call this blog a series of lost highways for I spent most my life walking down highways. I left home young, full of chaos and self destruction with a heart of gold and started traveling. I would move to town after town and one of my rules was, that if I could walk down the street and people would recognize me and say hi it was time to move. It wasn't a fear of intimacy or an introvert, I was just highly suicidal and I didn't want to leave a trail of broken hearts when I left. I understand now how selfish that was, how I left many friends in a blink of a eye without even a simple goodbye. How I distanced myself from my family to the point of not hearing from half of them and not even knowing how to open words to renew that time lost. On these highways I carried very little, no tent, no pillow, just a few days changes of clothes and a little small personal collection of gifts given to me by good friends. I would consider myself a wild human, even now as the grey sets into my beard and hair, I still have the voice within me telling me to go travel again. My feet on the other hand are saying not a chance in hell. I spent most my life alone walking and fasting, first on some religious quest to understand the nature of god. This being that fascinated me when I was a child sneaking into churches and hiding in the back until I was guided to Sunday school. I didn't want to hear about Noah I wanted the wrath and smite stuff, I wanted to know why this loving god does this, why he creates only to destroy. It was 1 of many questions I asked when I was attending Catholic School from Kindergarten to Grade 1. Let's just say that I really didn't like the answer they gave and they banned me from going to any other catholic schools ever... Now public school had to deal with me however that is another tale.

Now I have to get back on subject even thou the whole premise of this write has long been altered.What I found in my quest was a lot more disheartening than I expected, again that is not why I am here writing today so I will say simply that I fell in love with the created and the creator looks really high from down here. That was a long time ago and my feelings of god, the universe and all the gooey stuff in between are a lot more open minded. And running from my sins are just faded memories that I can fondly chuckle at. Also my anti materialistic self has collected way too many instruments. Yes, finally I get on track with this blog today... It was on the road that I wished I carried a instrument. I wanted to carry a guitar except my life was to say the least a little rough, I slept in forests, trees, caves, under bridges. Anything to get away from people at night. So a guitar would be broken in a week. I also didn't want to be stereotyped as a homeless guitar player, playing for change. Nothing wrong if that is your life choice, and I thank every guitar player I have ever met on the road who played me songs. It just wasn't a path i wanted to take. On the road I had to improvise and to keep myself amused, using my voice and the gravel under my feet to create music as I walk and walk and walk. I also used it to chase away wolves and any other animal I heard scurrying in the dark on those nights when shelter was not a option, and only walking and singing loud with a bright light seemed like the only logical way out. I had my share of wild animals, in fact I escaped in some cases by the skin of my teeth. One story is here -> Wild Encounters

Now I have that opportunity to play music again, while trying to write stories, work a slave labor job and build a suit into a barn, which is almost finished after 2 years... Music has always been my saving grace. It kept me alive on those darkest days and has inspired me to keep waiting for the next song in life. The next new story trying to scratch its way out of my mind and not in the 'I'll write you down later" cache of discarded memories that keep trying to resurface. And I want to thank you all for coming and reading my stuff. I finally have new keyboard on a small notebook laptop that was put away because of the crack screen, so I will be able to write again. And soon I will be able to expand my music programs and bring some real instruments instead of loops. Except with loops I can create without learning how to play or buy all those beautiful instruments. And not like I can afford to rent a symphony or chorus...

Thank you all again for all the great support of my stories, and my music. This is my newest one if you would like to check it out here

I will have the final part of A Cloudy Sky in the next few weeks. trying to juggle all this weight sometimes makes me fall on other things. Work, work, girlfriend and art. I ask myself daily is it better to be a starving artist or a underpaid artist who bitches that he has never any time to do his art? 

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